How I Make Myself Presentable For Life

When I wake up in the morning I look like this:

 I cake on a layer of really tan bronzer, I wont be pretty unless I look like I dunked my face in a bag of Doritos

Next I take my overpriced blush, fake a really big smile and rub that stuff all over my puffy cheeks

Lovely.

Eyes are very important to looking awake, smart and of course pretty, so I glob on multiple layers of VERY BLACK mascara on the top and bottom lashes, when the lashes begin to feel kinda heavy, that’s when I know I only  need a few more coats

Then I take a VERY BLACK crayon/pencil/marker/thingy and rub a thick line across the bottom lids, I make sure not to do the top lids or I look like a fool

The last step for the face transformation is the lips, lipstick is cakey and tastes funny, chap stick smells like wax, lip gloss looks good but your lips are so slimy and sticky your lips will be covered in fuzz and hair by the end of the day, the magic solution is: Vaseline! It highlights the natural color of your lips and gives them the glossy sheen without the sticky stick-ness

Now I take my squirrel-nest of bleached hay and use a super-hot flat iron and burn the crap out of it, ahh look, now its shiny and straight!

WIN, I am now presentable to go to a public place. Is your beauty routine like mine?

My Kind of Superheroes

People love superheroes…and why not?!

They are strong, fast, have special powers, save people, fight bad guys and often wear tights and capes.

Superheroes are cool.

But I am bored with the traditional hero abilities, I am looking for something a little different in a superhero. So here are Four superheroes that don’t exist…but should

I have two brown dogs, one big and one that will be big someday

When  I go outside  to my yard and see this horrifying sight:

That’s when I would call

Pooper Scooper Girl, and instantly I have green grassy yard again

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I’m driving on the freeway, in the left lane and come up to 'slow old guy driver'….or I notice 'lane changing on the phone teen driver'

…that’s when I call

Bad Driver Man- he lifts up their car and throws it far far away

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I’m in the grocery store and someone from my past walks toward me….there is no where to run, no where to hide…

that’s when I call for

Awkward Convo Woman- she instantly distracts them and I can make a smooth get away

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I have some delicious food in front of me that I am very excited to try…but it is really hot, I am about to put the scalding item into my mouth

 when along comes

Don’t Eat That Yet Man- who bravely throws himself in danger’s way

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These are just a few examples of MY kind of superhero....what kind of superhero do you need?

The Exciting Life of Mason Brown Dog

This is Mason Brown Dog

He is a 4 year old Chocolate Lab even though he looks like a weiner dog in that picture...

Mason has two main emotions: sleeping and ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCITED!!

While I experience a much wider variety of emotions…frequently…when it’s usually inappropriate, I  envy his extreme level of excitement for things. I don't think there is anything that makes me feel the level of "can’t control myself so freakin’ pumped" excitement that Mason does.

I thought I would demonstrate with a scale of excitement..and get your mind out of the gutter because I am talking about G rated kid in a candy store excitement, ok?! And I do NOT want to hear any “that’s what she saids”.

Someone says: Wanna go for a ride in the car?

My Reaction

Mason's reaction

Wanna play ball?

Me

Mason

Someone says, wanna go for a walk?

Me

Mason

Anything is said about wanting breakfast, dinner, food, treat, etc

Me

Mason

I think it's time I take a page out of Mason's brown dog book and try to be more ZOMG!!!! about stuff....starting....tomorrow......or the next day

Expectation vs. Reality

I will admit, I over exaggerate things… sometimes

 I might even be slightly dramatic.

 But on the positive side, I tend to imagine that things will be amazing, epic.

 I have a wild imagination and like to picture what will happen before it does.  This sometimes gets me in trouble…and by sometimes I mean ALWAYS. Because what I picture is NEVER what happens, and it is especially difficult when I picture something being fabulous and it is a super duper fail.

I’ve been thinking lately about my expectations vs. reality….here are some examples:

I stub my toe, it really hurts, I look down expecting to see

But I actually see

I hear a noise in the basement, I imagine:

But it actually is

I’m feeling lucky so I buy a scratch off, I imagine

In reality

I get my fitness on and workout, I think I now look like this

I really just look like this

What I thought getting a puppy would be like

What it really was like

Perhaps I need to reign in my imagination and learn to just let things happen….

NOT LIKELY

S.T.R.E.P.

I am 26 years old. And in 26 years I have never, not once had strep throat. All through my school years my friends would get strep throat, they would get to stay home and watch movies and most importantly not have to come to school.

Every single time I had any sort of sore/dry/scratchy throat I insisted my mom bring me to the doctor to have that awful long q-tip scraped mercilessly across the back of my throat, all while I tried not to hurl and gag at the doctor.

They would rub my throat slime on the round red cup and shortly thereafter I would hear: “It looks like you do not have strep, we will wait for the 24 hour culture but for now just rest and drink plenty of fluids.”

UMMM what?! Ok there is a sliver of hope that I still could get yummy pink goop and stack up all my favorite princess movies. But NEVER, NOT ONCE did that culture ever reveal strep.

And for some reason I was always so angry and jealous that I didn’t get strep. I could lick all the stuff my streppy friends touched and still…nothing. I was immune or something.

And now…at 26 years old I am SO FREAKIN’ GLAD I never had to suffer the STREP

Until now

Here is how it played out:

Thursday I had a sort of scratchy feeling throat, NBD

Friday I woke up and my throat felt like this:

And my ears felt like this.

Luckily there is this thing called the internet where you can go to this website and answer some questions and some nurse somewhere will send you a prescription to WHEREVER you choose. And while I *was* gifted with the pink goo…it did not nearly make up for the 48+ hours of strep suffering I went through

I now would like to apologize to every person I ever felt jealous of while for having strep.

SORRY SORRY SORRY

The end

Oh…p.s.

Strep: you are NOT welcome in my throat EVER again…remember the last 26 years? how nice it was without each other? let us do that again, times three.

I am now conviced STREP is an acronym for Serious Throat Rediculously Excruciating Pain

Stuff.....and Things

When people ask me things I have two negative traits that work against me…I am indecisive, and I have an awful short term memory. So in order to adapt to life with other people I have come up with a defense mechanism which seems to avert those difficult questions that are asked of me. I thought I would share with you how I cope with my two communication defects. 

I created one simple answer to nearly every question that is asked of me. The answer is:  Stuff and Things. In order for this to seem slightly less vague and bland I also imagine that Stuff and Things are creatures who can fill in the blanks in my mental pictures.

Here is an example of how this works:

Boyfriend asks "what did you do all day?"

I think…I can’t remember…so I say:

“ Stuff and Things” and I picture:

Friend asks what I would like to eat for dinner

I can’t decide…so I say:

“ Stuff and Things” and I see

Airline worker says: "This bag is so heavy, what did you pack?"

I’m honestly not sure since I was so excited to pack I frantically shoved random items in my suitcase, so I say:

“Stuff….oh, and Things”

I’m stopping at Walmart and boyfriend finds out, he asks

“what could you possibly need?”

I haven’t yet decided how I will frivolously spend money on products I don’t need

So I simply answer:

“Stuff, and likely Things”

Starting to get the idea?

 Well you too can use my two special friends for any situation you find yourself in where you might not know what your decision is…or maybe you really can’t remember….so TA DA! Stuff and Things will be there to solve all your problems!

My kitchen, the good, the bad, the crusty

When we bought our house we were very grateful that it came with the three major appliances in the kitchen, albeit they were used, and had slight issues, but they were there and they worked, mostly. All we had to do was rip out the disgustingly grimy hood vent and install our steal of a deal new microwave.

Oh, and soak the stove burners in ammonia all night to scrape off 8 years of grime(thank you Pinterest)

bleach the sh*t out of the fridge and scrub all the crevices of the musty smelling dishwasher with vinegar and baking soda….then we were set….

…except the stove burners took FOR-EV-ER to light, if I wanted to cook something I had to turn to ignite and hear “click, click, click, click” all the while smelling gassy-ness leaking into the air….awesome, sometimes it was twenty clicks to light…sometimes it was never

While I have heard gas stoves are the preferred method of cooking for fancy chefs…I’m not fancy…

and let me clue you in to something

GAS STOVES ARE A PAIN IN THE BUTT TO CLEAN…THEY ARE ALWAYS NASTY

I can clean them until I’m blue in the face and there are still crumbs and stains on the top…why?? Because that is the evil nature of gas stoves…there are so many little cavities for pieces of food and saucyness to get into, and for some reason none of my cleaners can penetrate the force-field of stovetop…THAT is why I dream if electric flat top stove…big dreams right?

Well since the current stove doesn’t like to light and leaking gas in the house doesn’t thrill us we talked about getting a new stove…and in the back of my dream I also pictured a spankin’ new dishwasher that no one else’s mucky dishes had been in and *cue harps* a side by side refrigerator that had ice and water on the front….I am so lame

But that was my dream…not my plan

Until President’s day, and a commercial for a four piece stainless steel kitchen set snagged my attention….ok let’s just go *look* (still not sure why President’s day equals crazy good sales…but I will not complain…yay Herbert Hoover and Gerald Ford, thanks for the deal!)

Well look became FOUR hours in Appliance Smart with a salesman who ran into FOUR, count them FOUR appliances, acquiring two bruises and a scrape while showing us around…I’m not exactly sure what was this old man’s deal, maybe he was just old, but very sweet, he kept telling the boyfriend I was a catch haha he’s RIGHT I AM! lol…and now this Saturday we have scheduled the delivery of our new appliances…..

but wait….now we need new cabinet knobs and drawer pulls, the ones that came with the house are FUGLY and GAUDY…

And if my dreams really do come true….backsplash and new countertop…

Ok settle down, let’s not get ahead of ourselves

Oh wait…did anyone bother to think about the fact that I have no income because I’m unemployed and maybe investing in appliances isn’t the most financially fit plan right now? NOPE SHUT YOUR MOUTH

Let’s just sell the old stuff on CRAIGSLIST! Perfect

…and start planning that backsplash