How I Make Myself Presentable For Life

When I wake up in the morning I look like this:

 I cake on a layer of really tan bronzer, I wont be pretty unless I look like I dunked my face in a bag of Doritos

Next I take my overpriced blush, fake a really big smile and rub that stuff all over my puffy cheeks

Lovely.

Eyes are very important to looking awake, smart and of course pretty, so I glob on multiple layers of VERY BLACK mascara on the top and bottom lashes, when the lashes begin to feel kinda heavy, that’s when I know I only  need a few more coats

Then I take a VERY BLACK crayon/pencil/marker/thingy and rub a thick line across the bottom lids, I make sure not to do the top lids or I look like a fool

The last step for the face transformation is the lips, lipstick is cakey and tastes funny, chap stick smells like wax, lip gloss looks good but your lips are so slimy and sticky your lips will be covered in fuzz and hair by the end of the day, the magic solution is: Vaseline! It highlights the natural color of your lips and gives them the glossy sheen without the sticky stick-ness

Now I take my squirrel-nest of bleached hay and use a super-hot flat iron and burn the crap out of it, ahh look, now its shiny and straight!

WIN, I am now presentable to go to a public place. Is your beauty routine like mine?